Third Trimester Updates

It’s hard to believe I am already part way through the third trimester, but at the same time I feel like once I got to the third trimester time just stood still.

Third Trimester

33+ Weeks on the left, 25+ Weeks on the right. 

This non-maternity Stitch Fix (affiliate link) t-shirt has been one of the most comfortable things for me to wear this pregnancy.

These last few weeks haven’t been great, if I am being honest. I’ve said it before, I haven’t had “easy” pregnancies. With this pregnancy, the second trimester really was the only time I felt okay, and even that had its issues.

I haven’t felt dizzy or faint in a while, but to avoid any disasters Nick and B1 come and do the grocery shopping with me on Sundays. I hate doing grocery shopping on the weekends, but it has to be done then, and we make a fun game of whether or not Nick & B1 can find items in the store faster than it takes me at the meat & deli counters. Spoiler: they usually win!

Nursery

Baby Girl’s room

My MIL came and painted the nursery, she is a pro and doesn’t even need the painters tape and it looks amazing! The crib and changing table are set up, and most of the big items we needed are purchased. There is still a lot of organizing to do, but I can’t do a lot of it so I have to wait when I have help on the weekends. I am trying to not go nesting crazy, but I don’t think it is working.

B1

B1 is super excited! I showed him how to swaddle Mickey, and he put him down for a nap. Precious!

I am back on a modified bed rest of sorts, I can do a few things, but I’m advised not to stress out my body, and to keep my feet up as possible. There are a few reasons for that, baby girl is measuring about 2 lbs bigger than is normal for this gestational age. She is also in a weird position, her elbow and shoulder are digging into my pelvic area, which causes so much pain for that area and also for the lower part of my body. We are trying to avoid stressing out my body and the baby. So, that means no long drives, exercising, lifting heavy objects, etc…

I’ve been monitored a bit more than normal, but mom and baby are healthy and that’s what matters. I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed, my weight gain jumped a lot the last few weeks, and a large part of it is definitely due to the fact that her weight gain jumped a lot. I have been trying to eat as healthy as possible, but I know that I have been eating more carbs than I usually do. I am also feeling like my stomach is extremely heavy, so I invested in a belly band at the request of my doctor and that helps a little bit, but I do notice after walking around for a bit my stomach and pelvis are really sore, and my feet start to swell.

This means I have been sitting a lot,not ideal, but again, you can’t predict how your pregnancy will go. The end goal is a healthy baby and mom, so I am trying to mentally let myself be okay with that. One of my other goals is to make sure I get in at least 120 oz of water a day. With the heat coming and natural swelling, I need to make sure I am well hydrated.

I still feel like I have one hundred things to do, including making a bunch of freezer meals since we just got a new upright freezer for the garage. If you have any suggestions send them my way!

Why I Hate Blogging

Maybe hate is an excessive term, but I think a lot of bloggers can relate!

I have been blogging for over 4 years, it started as a hobby, at some point I started making a small amount of money and receiving products in exchange for reviews. I liked it, I felt like I gave real reviews, I shared when I wasn’t 100% happy with a race, product, or company, but I also shared when a company had an outstanding product, race, or customer service. As I got more involved with that part of the blogging world it seemed to be a lot to try to keep up with the blogging world, especially the fitness and healthy living blogs. I started taking less on, I basically stopped blogging regularly after my miscarriage, and really started taking inventory on the products I LOVE.

I find that a lot of bloggers, big or small, don’t have any company loyalty, they will blog for this apparel company one month and a month or two later rave about how another company has the best apparel…how am I supposed to believe either review. I’ve definitely reviewed different gyms, studios, shoes, etc… so I am not innocent of this either, but I do cast a side eye when I see the same blogger review multiple brands shoes over the course of a few months.

Those are of course the companies that I will continue to work with or will try to showcase on here. I don’t regret any of the reviews that I’ve done in the past, but I don’t want to feel any pressure to come up with these pinterest perfect images and to compete with someone who does this for a living. I don’t want to get burnt out again. I am finally back at a place where I am loving the posts I am putting out there, and I don’t want to move away from that.

I think another large part of why I got so burnt out on blogging is because of the expectation of how a HLB (healthy living blogger) acts or eats or works out. Maybe part of this is because of pregnancy hormones, ask Nick they are real right about now, but I think I would feel this way regardless. When I first started reading blogs (5-6 years ago) bloggers wrote real posts, ever link wasn’t an affiliate link, it didn’t seem to be nearly as shady, but maybe I was just naive.

When you are a HLB there is an expectation that you will be BEAST MODE all the time. You see the phrases “the family that sweats together, stays together”, #fitpregnancy, #noexcuses, I could go on.  I won’t lie, I love working out, it is a stress reliever for me, but when I read these blog posts about how so and so went a whole month without a rest day or an excuse, I kind of just roll my eyes, and then I think, is this such a great thing? Why is no one else questioning these types of behaviors?

Not all families or significant others can work out together. Their might be babysitting logistics, disabilities, you just might hate the same type of work out. I am 99% positive I could never get Nick to a barre or yoga class. We’ve done two races together, and have had a lot of family walks, but all of these things were for fun! I LOVE the alone time or girl time that I get when I go to class!

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I feel a lot of anger towards the posts that are all about how the best thing you can do when you are pregnant is to work out. I am not arguing that working out is bad, I have been working out regularly since I was cleared to do so, but that is not the only thing that is best for your body or baby. Eating a balanced diet, taking vitamins, seeing a medical professional that will monitor your progress, getting your home safe and ready to being your baby home, etc… those things are all just as important.

Pure Barre Baby

I don’t however like feeling guilty because I choose sleep over a workout, or resting over a workout. In real life, so many people have been supportive of this pregnancy and my workout regime, especially the instructors and staff at Pure Barre. Then I look at social media and I am overwhelmed by all the posts and images of #FitMoms. On top of it all, these women are sharing exactly how much weight they have gained or lost in their pregnancy. I’ve been what some would call “lucky” because with both this pregnancy and when I was pregnant with B, I was so incredibly sick that I ended up losing weight in the first trimester and was able to gain a healthy amount as the pregnancy went on. Some women gain 50 pounds, that doesn’t mean they ate cookies and donuts the whole pregnancy. Again, I feel like it is weird that these women share their weight amounts each week they recap their pregnancy or post-baby recaps. I like reading about how these women get fit after pregnancy, it gives me ideas, but their weight doesn’t help anyone but them, it just doesn’t seem important or relevant.

Now, lets talk about food. Every recipe is a super food or will give you super powers or something like that… Baking beans in brownies will just make me want to eat 5 of them, I’d rather have one really decadent dessert than have a dessert that doesn’t satisfy my craving.

Birthday Dessert

I know we all talk about the 80/20 rule, but where do those black bean brownies fall? It seems like a grey area to me. It feels like a lot of these people aren’t actually eating 20% indulgently.

It would be easy for anyone to say, well stop reading these blogs, but some of them have content that I actually love, or blogs that I have been reading for years, and so it is hard to just turn that off. In the past year many blogs have definitely been taken off my feedly list, but these posts seem to be popping up even on my favorites.

I’d be remiss to end this post on such a sour note. There are many things I wish I could change about the blogging world, I am sure a lot of people wish they could, but there are also things that I would never change.

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I’ve met some of my closest friends via Twitter or this blog! There is a group of moms who all had babies around the same time and we all met via Twitter/Instagram, none of us live near each other, but we are able to laugh, vent, cry, share all via a private group. It has been so helpful just to say is your toddler doing this exact behavior or is mine just a little crazy lately?

I’ve been able to attend amazing events, and I am incredibly grateful for every single opportunity! Like I said, I will continue blogging, but it’s going to be more about things and items I love and are an important part of my life (with or without this blog). I also want to be able to be more engaging with those that read (and comment). I haven’t responded to comments in far too long, and actually plan on doing that soon. I am hoping removing the HL part of blogging part for myself allows me to be more me and less traditional blogger!

What is your favorite and least favorite part of blogging or reading blogs?

The Second Trimester and Gender Reveal!

I am more than a few weeks into the second trimester, and I truly feel like this pregnancy is flying! I didn’t announce here, but some of you may have seen on Instagram

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We are having a GIRL! I am so incredibly excited!! I would’ve been happy regardless, but it will be nice to have a little girl and a little boy in our house! Also, the addiction to buying girl clothes is real. I have had to put my self on clothes buying ban until she is born.

This pregnancy has been vastly different from what I remember with B1. I definitely felt like by the second trimester the exhaustion wasn’t as bad as it was in the first, but I guess I wasn’t chasing after a 3-year-old.

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Typical dinner shenanigans

I had a lot of sciatic pain with B1, and it has been touch and go this pregnancy, but of course I have had other aches and pains and almost fainted in Whole Foods the other morning. That was scary, but apparently also completely normal. From what my doctor told me standing still for an extended amount of time (in the shower, long church services, a long deli line…) can cause your BP to drop and leave you feeling faint, it was scary, but now I know how to make sure that never happens again.

I also have felt the second trimester hunger kick in. When I grocery shop I don’t vary from my usual stuff, but as soon as I get hungry nothing I have prepared sounds good. I have been eating a lot of egg sandwiches, homemade chicken salad, chicken sausage, and salad. I really really wish it was watermelon season, because I could probably eat an entire one every day and be very happy.

PureBarreBaby

My new favorite sticky socks! I am back at Pure Barre regularly. It’s been great to see everyone and the staff has been so helpful with modifications, as I have continued to grow, some things that felt fine even a week ago feel uncomfortable now so it is nice to have someone show me other exercises that work with what the rest of the class is doing.

Even though she is due the same month as B the maternity clothing is completely different. I lost 20 pounds due to severe sickness with B so I was in regular clothes, mostly workout clothes if we are being honest, until week 30. So most of my maternity clothes are dresses and shorts and tank tops, I had a few cardigans and one pair of maternity jeans, and that was it for maternity clothes. I am going to write another post on what I’ve been wearing in every day and for workouts, but it has been crazy how different my body is this pregnancy. I am carrying baby girl MUCH lower than I carried B, and I started showing much earlier this pregnancy.

I also started feeling kicks much earlier this pregnancy, and I LOVE it. Somedays it feels like she is stomping on my bladder, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

Were your pregnancies very different or similar? 

Bouncing Back From Bed Rest

When I announced my pregnancy I also briefly talked about my modified bed rest. In case you missed it, I was diagnosed with a bleed on the gestational sac, which meant zero exercise. I was recently cleared to exercise, but I was incredibly nervous to jump right back into a studio class.

I was only cleared to do low impact exercises. Things like running, intense lifting, HIIT training were banned. I was also banned from spinning since I have only done it once and we are just being cautious. This means I can participate in classes like barre, yoga, pilates and any sort of stretching type of class and I can do as much walking as I would like.

I don’t feel like I am really limited, to be 100% honest, I probably wouldn’t have participated in running that much. I don’t typically run in the winter, and I wouldn’t want to risk a big fall, but also the bigger reason is fear. I know that running did not cause my miscarriage, but the fear is there, and I am not ashamed to admit it. I also really had been enjoying my studio classes pre-pregnancy, and I was excited to return.

So how did I return to working out? I knew I needed to take it easy and slowly get back into a routine. I become exhausted pretty easily, and I knew my muscles would be sore the first few weeks getting back into it. The two weeks I just did shorter yoga videos at home. I know that I don’t always push myself as much as I should when I am working out at home, so I was able to really keep the effort low and slowly increase it. I also only did 3 workouts a week, which was a huge decrease from the 6 weekly workouts I was doing pre-pregnancy.

Pure Barre Lynnfield

I finally went back into a studio class, and of course I had to start at Pure Barre. It helped that the class was a donation based class to support Jane who is running the Boston Marathon, for Team BIDMC again, this year! {Donate Here}

The studio emailed me the pregnancy modifications during the week, and I literally studied them. I wanted to make sure I knew what to do, because I knew that my first class would be overwhelming and I didn’t want to forget anything. I also told Cara, the teacher, that I was pregnant and that if I was doing something wrong to just let me know.

The class went well and I was shaking and burning right away, 3 months away was incredibly humbling, movements that were second nature to me when I was last in a class are now foreign to me. It is so crazy how much muscle memory I lost in a seemingly short time.

Of course the plan was to get into the studio 2-3 times a week and to do an at home workout 1-2 times a week, starting with this week. I was incredibly sore after my first class on Sunday, and had plans to go back on Wednesday, but of course #Blizzard2015 has had other plans for me. I can’t even exchange that workout for shoveling, per doctors orders, so I have been trying to get some shorter workouts in via video.

Have you ever been on bed rest? How did you bounce back?

Incredible For Two Fitness Giveaway!

I am thrilled to partner with For Two Fitness for an amazing New Year giveaway. For Two Fitness is one of my favorite maternity brands and I am excited to wear it during this pregnancy! I know that finding clothes to wear and feel comfortable in during pregnancy can be tough, especially since your body can change so much! For Two Fitness is running a phenomenal giveaway for the New Year, that will not only help you during pregnancy, but will help you post-birth. Read the details below.

Happy New Year! We are so thankful to YOU — our community, customers, and friends. To express our thanks, we are hosting a huge giveaway this week in partnership with some amazing brands and our ambassadors. The Grand Prize is valued at $1000.  We have phenomenal prizes, including the newest offering from BOB – a Revolution FLEX  jogging stroller – plus prizes from ASICS, Ergo and Maison Drake baby boutique, and For Two Fitness – all facets of your healthy mom lifestyle are in this prize pack!

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The grand prize winner will win everything you see listed here.  Prizes have been furnished by our wonderful brand partners in connection with a sponsoring ambassador (Katie from Mom’s Little Running Buddy and Melody from Will Run For Margaritas). Here are more details about the amazing products that have been generously donated for you to win and enjoy:

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Grand Prize Giveaway items:

  • The New BOB Revolution FLEX single stroller
  • For Two Fitness maternity athletic outfit (top and bottom of winner’s choice)
  • Ergo 360 Baby Carrier furnished by Maison Drake baby boutique
  • Asics Running Shoes (1 pair of the winner’s choice)

Asics

Wow!  We are thrilled to give away these amazing prizes.  This contest runs from Monday, January 12th through midnight on Friday, January 16th.  Visit the For Two Fitness site to enterBe sure to follow @ForTwoFitness and our co-hosts @run4margaritas and @momslrb on Instagram in order for your entries to be valid.

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Thanks for celebrating the New Year with us!  Good Luck!!

 

I know I will be entering, will you?

A Very Exciting Announcement!

Lets just get right to the most important thing about this blog post:

BABYB2I never really talked about our post-miscarriage TTC journey, partially because everyone’s journey is different and what (eventually) worked for us may or may not work for someone else. It is also something that I felt was too personal to put on blast for anyone to read. I have no problem talking to someone one-on-one if you are interested.

How Far Along?

I am 14 weeks, my due date is early July, in fact it is two days after B’s birthday. We don’t know the gender, yet. We will be finding out, mostly because I have zero patience!

How Did You Find Out?

Since we were working with an Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) we had a scheduled blood test. About a week before the test I started noticing my exhaustion, I have always been a morning workout gal, and some days I would be more tired than others, but for a week I was constantly exhausted post-gym. I would climb back into bed and fall asleep immediately and Nick would have to wake me up once he was done in the bathroom. I had never had that kind of exhaustion before, except during my pregnancies.

I ended up taking a pregnancy test prior to my blood test, see zero patience, and the second line (aka a positive) never showed. In anger I tossed the test at the garbage. When I got home from the gym, I realized I didn’t actually get the test in the garbage, it landed next to it, so I picked it up and the second line had shown up, apparently I just didn’t wait long enough.

How Are You Feeling?

I am feeling much better than I was for the past 12-13 weeks. I just tend to have rough pregnancies, with B I was nauseous for the first 20 weeks, and I am glad this time around I did seem to start to feel better with the onset of the second trimester.

Now, I feel exhausted. Since B does not nap anymore it means mom does not get to nap, so I end up going to bed very very early every single night. I can also feel my sciatic pain creeping back in, I just hope it doesn’t fully set in for at least 5-6 weeks more.

How Is Your Fitness & Eating?

Food wise, I basically survived on potatoes, in any form, the first trimester. I had zero desire to eat any sweets or veggies. I tried to force one salad or veggie heavy meal at least once a day, but sometimes it just didn’t happen. I have also been obsessed with egg sandwiches, and I still am, unless I am in a rush I have one every morning for breakfast.

Now I am feeling at about 90%, and I am trying to make super healthy meals for us to eat. Since I am exhausted I try to make things that will last 2-3 nights so that I only end up really cooking 3 times a week, plus one night of pizza or some sort of takeout. I’ve been making a lot of veggie heavy soups or chili’s, perfect for cold weather and for laziness.

Fitness on the other hand has been at a standstill. There was a hemorrhage on the gestational sac, of course after a miscarriage hearing that freaked me out. Especially since I could spot or bleed during my pregnancy. It hasn’t happened, thankfully, but is still scary just to think about.

So this meant that I was on a modified bed rest. It meant absolutely no lifting (which a 3-year-old DOES NOT understand), no physical relations, and no exercise. Basically I did the bare minimum and felt like a crazy person. The bleed is now gone, thank goodness, and I can get back to a normal routine. I’ve been taking it easy slowly getting back into it with yoga at home, but I am looking forward to getting back into the studio(s) very soon!

How Did B React?

He is super excited. He helped us pack up some residual baby toys and some of his stuffed animals for the baby. He loves to talk to my belly and tells the baby how much he loves it. I can’t wait to see him as a big brother, I think he will be amazing, even if he did tell us “baby girl or baby nothing”.

Will You Be Blogging About Your Pregnancy?

I will probably post updates occasionally, and include how I’m feeling with my workout recaps. but I just can’t remember to do the photos and the weekly recaps.

So glad to finally share my marvelous news and link up with Katie again!

Any other questions I missed? 

The Opposite of Maybe: Lucky

Here’s hoping that I wake up to a UCONN win this morning!

Before we get to today’s post, make sure you head over to Friday’s post and see who won the giveaway!

This post was inspired by the novel The Opposite of Maybe by Maddie Dawson. At the age of 44, Rosie finds herself suddenly single and pregnant. She tries to hide in her grandmother’s home, but meets two men that will change her life forever. Join From Left to Write on April 8 we discuss The Opposite of Maybe. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.

FYI this post does have some spoilers.

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This book also brought up a subject that is extremely difficult for me, pregnancy. I am beyond lucky to have been able to bring one beautiful little boy in to this world and I am very aware of that.

At 44 Rosie got pregnant after unprotected sex once, once! She didn’t know and didn’t even take a pregnancy test until she was 9 weeks along, it seemed like every appointment was perfect, labor wasn’t a disaster or have any scary parts, and her child was healthy.

All of this makes so angry and so sad. After another month of tracking and testing and all of the stuff no one talks about when you are trying to conceive which is followed by another disappointing negative pregnancy test, it was so hard for me to read this entire book without hating Rosie.

She was so cavalier, at first, about the fact that she got pregnant by chance the one time they didn’t use protection, she even walked into a clinic for an abortion (this is not a political post). Eventually after the first trimester was over she got her shit together and started cleaning up her eating and reading about babies, but I just couldn’t get over her luck and her reaction.

I am not one of those people who can just listen to these stories about how someone beat the odds and got pregnant. It is so hard to hold on to the hope that things will miraculously get better. It sucks, that I have to wait a year from my miscarriage to even have the discussion with my doctor about seeing a specialist.

I, naively, though I would be pregnant by the time my due date from the miscarriage came, and I am not. That due date is 12 days away. I know that things happen for a reason, at least I need to believe that. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt when friends start posting on their blogs, FB, twitter, etc… that they are pregnant. That they weren’t even trying or that they got pregnant the first month. And on April Fools Day, the amount of people who posted fake pregnancy announcements, not only did it feel like a punch to the gut, but it seemed like people don’t understand how hard infertility or the struggle to get pregnant is. Or how long the emotion and mental parts of a miscarriage affect you.

I am LUCKY to have the support system that I do, I know that. I am LUCKY to have the most amazing husband and son. I am LUCKY that I live in a place where I might be able to have a baby when it feels like the odds are against me.

I am trying to believe in the LUCKY, but it is so damn hard.

What It’s Like

I feel like I HAVE to preface this with I know that some people struggle much more than we have with getting pregnant, and I am not saying any of this to make it seem like I have it worse. BUT I need an outlet for my feelings and honestly, NO ONE talks about this, hopefully this outlet will help someone.

It has been almost 4 months since the miscarriage. It feels like it was yesterday, and it feels like years ago. What no one tells you that trying to get pregnant post-miscarriage is emotionally one of the hardest things you will go through. I wish I could end this post right here and say ta-da I am pregnant, but I can’t.

It’s a hard thing to explain, but I am going to try my best. Every month that you try is exhausting. You track cycles and temperatures, days that you have tried, days that you haven’t. You pee on a stick every evening to track your body’s ovulation cycles. Then you enter the 2 week wait. The wait between when you ovulate and when you can test to see if your pregnant. You analyze every cramp and twinge. You try to not build up hope that you are pregnant, but it happens, and then you get your period. Not only do you have your normal hormone craziness, add in the disappointment of feeling like a failure because once again, you couldn’t get pregnant, and every month I get my period I feel like I cry myself to sleep, over the loss of our child and over the feelings of failure . Then you start the whole cycle over again.

On top of all of this I feel like I am expected to be my “before miscarriage” self. I’ve found that most people give you an allotted amount of time, and for every person this is different, to grieve until they expect you to be back at 100%. Now I don’t expect people to cater to me or ask about my feelings, but there are definitely things I never want to hear again, pregnant or not.

1. You must not be pregnant, you are eating or drinking xyz. TRUST ME, I would gladly give up sushi, wine, runny eggs, etc… to be pregnant.
2. Well at least you can go out for New Year’s Eve. Ditto
3. It will happen when it is supposed to/ Everything happens for a reason. Is this really supposed to make me feel better? Because it makes me feel like I am setting myself up for failure
4. You don’t know other people’s struggles, don’t get angry if they are pregnant. You’re right, sometimes I don’t, but a lot of the time, when I say these things, I do. The person who wasn’t even trying, the person who got drunk and got pregnant. I am allowed to be upset.
5. Don’t stress. Please show me someone who isn’t at all stressed around the holidays, and telling me not to stress, easier said than done.

Edit: I am adding this video because a friend shared it with me on FB after reading my post, and I think it truly explains empathy vs. sympathy in a way everyone can understand.

This sums up what I am trying to say above, I know that people aren’t, for the most part, saying these things to hurt me, but the truth is, THEY HURT. Please watch this video.

 

I know the last four months I haven’t been happy & fun Kelly, I know that a lot of people don’t want to be around me for that very reason, but I already feel very alienated when I am home with B all day, and it’s a catch-22 this time of year because the parties and events are all happy and celebratory and I feel like I have nothing to celebrate.

I have let my eating slide, extra desert, sure. I have let my gym sessions slide. It’s dark out, maybe I’m pregnant right now I should take it easy. These are all thoughts I’ve had. I don’t feel as comfortable in the gym anymore, I feel like an outsider or beginner, I feel like I don’t belong. None of this is going to make me feel better in the end, and I know that, I just can’t pull myself out of it.

My friends, where do I even start, I have a few friends that have stuck by me through all this emotion, and for you I am eternally grateful. I am sad that the friends I thought would be there have disappeared, and not for lack of trying on my part.

I am trying to be the best mom for B. Lots of time out of the house, fun and inexpensive new things to do. Mom & Son dates, playdates, but I am sad for him too. He asks for a baby brother and sister. He does so well with other kids that I know he would be an amazing older brother. I grieve for the sibling he didn’t get.

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for now they are best friends

I am forever grateful for B and Nick, they are absolutely my rocks in this situation, I would be lost without them.

On Love and Loss

This is a post I hoped I would never have to write, and yet here I am writing it. Some days I hope that I will wake up and it will be a bad dream, but I know that is not the truth. [FYI there will be some talk about women’s cycles here, if you think that is TMI, then you probably should stop reading]

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Nick and I have an agreement, when we are going out and there will be drinks I will take a pregnancy test, just in case. Well we were pleasantly surprised when I took one on August 10 and it came out positive. The more the news sat with me, the more excited I became. Of course there are always fears when you go from one child to two, but I was giddy.

We shared the news with our close family and friends, only a handful, and they were just as excited as we are.

I came up with wonderful ideas for this years Christmas card and how we would share the news with everyone who didn’t know yet. I started thinking of ways to organize the guest room/nursery, and how to reorganize the downstairs and B’s room.

Then just as quickly as the first trimester nausea came, it left. For a week I didn’t tell anyone, and then I finally told Nick. I came up with reasons, chasing a toddler is exhausting and I wouldn’t notice the nausea. I wasn’t teaching 8th graders that had a hard time with understanding personal hygiene. Every pregnancy is different. But I knew, I just knew something was off. I really think I just didn’t want to admit it. {I think this article really reinforced what I was thinking}

This past weekend, I participated in a Sprint Tri with a group from my gym. I was only doing the run portion, which turned into more of a walk. About a half mile in to the 3.5 miles, I started having a cramp on the front of my stomach. It was weird and freaked me out. I walked until the last .2 miles of the race. I felt like I let my relay team down, but I also had already started worrying about the cramp.

Saturday night, I felt fine. Sunday during the day I felt fine. Sunday evening I noticed some brown spotting in my underwear. Not enough to be concerned, pregnant woman can spot through their entire pregnancy and have a healthy baby.

Then it started turning bright red. At this point it was 9 pm, B was in bed, and I was freaking out. I called my dad who was an OBGYN before he went into anesthesiology. He tried to sugar coat it, but pretty much told me red was bad. I called the OB’s office emergency line and they told me to sit tight. My first appointment for this pregnancy with my OB was the following morning at 9 am.

I tried not to google, but I couldn’t stop myself. Nothing was looking good. Nick and I decided to prepare for the worst but hope for the best.

I went to my doctor appointment and told the nurse what was going on, she decided to have me go get an ultrasound done before I met with the doctor. This was my first vaginal ultrasound, and it was uncomfortable, but I watched the screen as the tech took pictures. I knew the moment the images popped up that the baby was too small for what was supposed to be 8 weeks. Then I watched her try to get a heartbeat, nothing. I couldn’t look anymore. I stared at the ceiling until she was finished, willing myself to not cry in front of a complete and total stranger. She told me the baby was measuring small and that as soon as the radiologist looked at the images and talked to my doctor then the doctor would call me.

The nurse told me they were unsure if the pregnancy was still viable. I needed to have blood work and schedule another ultrasound for the following week. After that was all set, I brought Nick and B home and went out.

I couldn’t stay in the house. I got coffee, I went grocery shopping. I walked around aimlessly at the store. I just needed to be alone, but with strangers, if that makes sense.

I was hoping I was wrong. I hadn’t had any cramps yet. The bleeding hadn’t gotten any worse. I was afraid to go to the bathroom, I was afraid to see what I wasn’t ready to admit.

Finally, I came home, and used the bathroom. I had started cramping, and there were clots, lots of them. I couldn’t move. I started crying. I knew I had lost the baby. {and I hate that word lost, like it reinforces that I did something wrong}

Nick called the doctor and we got the official news. Based on my blood work the pregnancy was not viable and I would have to let things run their course, and if they didn’t then I would need to schedule a d&c.

Nick was amazing, he called the majority of those who knew to tell them the bad news. He comforted me, he took care of B, he was the strength that I needed. I can’t even put into words, how much comfort he has brought to me in this time of need. He is/has been the most compassionate and caring person.

My heart and soul.

My heart and soul.

It’s hard for me to not blame myself, what could I have done differently so that this baby would survive? What if I stopped working out? What if I didn’t run on Saturday? What if I had a different diet? Maybe I shouldn’t have had any coffee…the what if’s and blame games are endless. A friend told me, as moms we fall in love with that pink second pink line. It’s not easier to have a miscarriage at 8 weeks just because it is an early miscarriage. Every time I go to the bathroom I am reminded of what is happening. Every time I have a cramp, I know that my body is taking the natural course, but it doesn’t make it any easier.

I’m incredibly sad, but I am trying to be strong for B. He needs a mom who is present with him, and I need to not let this take me over. I am blessed with B, but we do want more children, and I know that some do not have the option to have even one child, I am not taking him for granted, but I am allowing myself to grieve over baby #2.

I am also saying the words that have scared me for as long as I can remember. I had a miscarriage.

{As you can imagine, I am not feeling the blogging/social media thing, it has helped me to put all my thoughts down, and tell those that I just didn’t have the heart to call and tell the story all over again. For now, I am taking a break, save for the already written posts and scheduled tweets. Thank you for understanding.}

The Great Debate: Gender Reveal Parties

I hope you had a chance to check out my guest post for Athena over at Fitness & Feta yesterday!

Let me preface this post and say I AM NOT pregnant. This post idea was sparked by a conversation I had with Nick, my sister-in-law and her husband.

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A bump throwback

Maybe, I didn’t notice, but I don’t think that when I was pregnant that gender reveal parties were a huge thing. I feel like with the boom of pinterest, came the boom of other things, pressure for the DIY wedding, to become the perfect parent doing all the things, and of course, gender reveal parties.

I like the idea of gender reveal parties. I think it is a cute way to include friends and family in your pregnancy, or to have some suspense in your pregnancy, even just for a little while.

So what exactly is a gender reveal party? It’s a gathering where you have friends and family somewhere and reveal the gender of your baby in a fun way. Some people send the information to a bakery (without knowing themselves) and the bakery makes a cake and you cut into it and the inside is either pink or blue. Or you can go the DIY route and make cake pops!

Another common and frugal idea I have seen is to fill a box with balloons, a kite or lanterns and the color is either pink or blue, you open the box and let them fly out and reveal the gender that way.

The last is to fill a pinata, boxes, or something of that nature with either pink or blue glitter and let it fall over the parents-to-be heads. (One of my fabulous mom friends told me about this one!)

Of course you can play lots of games at the party and make your guests guess the gender. There are multiple ways to do this, I polled some mom friends and there suggestions include, having guests wear clothes the color of what they thing the gender is. You can have those guessing girl wear a hair bow and those guessing boy wear a fake mustache. Or you can do something super simple and just have a chalk board and tally the guesses.

Personally, I think that gender reveals are cute. I hate suspense and always want to know right away about everything (this includes Christmas presents) so I think that a gender reveal would be a nice way to bring that suspense. I would probably have a cake made or something along those lines. Nick however, thinks they are stupid.

So here is where you chime in. Gender reveal parties: love em or hate em?