What It’s Like

I feel like I HAVE to preface this with I know that some people struggle much more than we have with getting pregnant, and I am not saying any of this to make it seem like I have it worse. BUT I need an outlet for my feelings and honestly, NO ONE talks about this, hopefully this outlet will help someone.

It has been almost 4 months since the miscarriage. It feels like it was yesterday, and it feels like years ago. What no one tells you that trying to get pregnant post-miscarriage is emotionally one of the hardest things you will go through. I wish I could end this post right here and say ta-da I am pregnant, but I can’t.

It’s a hard thing to explain, but I am going to try my best. Every month that you try is exhausting. You track cycles and temperatures, days that you have tried, days that you haven’t. You pee on a stick every evening to track your body’s ovulation cycles. Then you enter the 2 week wait. The wait between when you ovulate and when you can test to see if your pregnant. You analyze every cramp and twinge. You try to not build up hope that you are pregnant, but it happens, and then you get your period. Not only do you have your normal hormone craziness, add in the disappointment of feeling like a failure because once again, you couldn’t get pregnant, and every month I get my period I feel like I cry myself to sleep, over the loss of our child and over the feelings of failure . Then you start the whole cycle over again.

On top of all of this I feel like I am expected to be my “before miscarriage” self. I’ve found that most people give you an allotted amount of time, and for every person this is different, to grieve until they expect you to be back at 100%. Now I don’t expect people to cater to me or ask about my feelings, but there are definitely things I never want to hear again, pregnant or not.

1. You must not be pregnant, you are eating or drinking xyz. TRUST ME, I would gladly give up sushi, wine, runny eggs, etc… to be pregnant.
2. Well at least you can go out for New Year’s Eve. Ditto
3. It will happen when it is supposed to/ Everything happens for a reason. Is this really supposed to make me feel better? Because it makes me feel like I am setting myself up for failure
4. You don’t know other people’s struggles, don’t get angry if they are pregnant. You’re right, sometimes I don’t, but a lot of the time, when I say these things, I do. The person who wasn’t even trying, the person who got drunk and got pregnant. I am allowed to be upset.
5. Don’t stress. Please show me someone who isn’t at all stressed around the holidays, and telling me not to stress, easier said than done.

Edit: I am adding this video because a friend shared it with me on FB after reading my post, and I think it truly explains empathy vs. sympathy in a way everyone can understand.

This sums up what I am trying to say above, I know that people aren’t, for the most part, saying these things to hurt me, but the truth is, THEY HURT. Please watch this video.

 

I know the last four months I haven’t been happy & fun Kelly, I know that a lot of people don’t want to be around me for that very reason, but I already feel very alienated when I am home with B all day, and it’s a catch-22 this time of year because the parties and events are all happy and celebratory and I feel like I have nothing to celebrate.

I have let my eating slide, extra desert, sure. I have let my gym sessions slide. It’s dark out, maybe I’m pregnant right now I should take it easy. These are all thoughts I’ve had. I don’t feel as comfortable in the gym anymore, I feel like an outsider or beginner, I feel like I don’t belong. None of this is going to make me feel better in the end, and I know that, I just can’t pull myself out of it.

My friends, where do I even start, I have a few friends that have stuck by me through all this emotion, and for you I am eternally grateful. I am sad that the friends I thought would be there have disappeared, and not for lack of trying on my part.

I am trying to be the best mom for B. Lots of time out of the house, fun and inexpensive new things to do. Mom & Son dates, playdates, but I am sad for him too. He asks for a baby brother and sister. He does so well with other kids that I know he would be an amazing older brother. I grieve for the sibling he didn’t get.

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for now they are best friends

I am forever grateful for B and Nick, they are absolutely my rocks in this situation, I would be lost without them.

20 thoughts on “What It’s Like

  1. **hug**
    If I was closer, I’d give you a real one, but a virtual hug will have to do. I’m proud of you for putting this all out there. You are right, not enough people talk about this. Never apologize for these feelings Kelly. <3

  2. Hugs friend! I am happy to talk to you ANY time. It took me two years to get pregnant with B and I got all of those same questions you mentioned and more. While I have not ever had a miscarriage I understand what it is like to struggle to get pregnant.

    • Thank you, Betsy. The struggle is real and I know that I haven’t been trying for long, I think when something important is completely out of your control it makes everything else so difficult. I appreciate your support.

  3. Do you remember reading my posts after miscarriage? You can always go back and read them. It takes time to get pregnant again and people definitely don’t understand that a miscarriage isn’t a normal period. The people telling you not to stress and it will happen when it is meant to are trying to comfort you. Try to enjoy the holidays for your kiddo. I promise you won’t think about the loss every day forever.

    • I understand that, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. You never know what anyone is struggling with, blanket statements don’t help anyone.

  4. Love you, Kelly. I’ve never been good with words, but I do keep you in my thoughts. I think you’ve been amazing and strong. Let me know if you need anything!

  5. I can’t believe someone would say “at least you get to go out on NYE”! I don’t even want to know who said that. But I do.
    I honestly have been in situations before where I am just so down and have no energy whatsoever to be my normal self. And that’s why whenever someone is taking awhile to heal I try to always be patient and remember that I don’t know what they are going through because I’ve been there before. The problem is that people can’t really understand grief or sadness to its full seriousness unless they are currently or have experienced it before. Even if they’ve experienced it before, they can (thankfully) forget just how bad it can get.
    I”m here for you. I’ll always be there to remind you to of the positive side of things because I think you need that, but please also know that it doesn’t mean I’m judging you for feeling down. We just all need to remember that down isn’t the only direction and someone to remind you of that is important.

    • We will discuss the first part over coffee.

      I think that my frustration comes from people who barely talk to me and want to be “the hero”, you know.

      Grateful for your friendship every single day, love you!!

  6. You deserve to grieve. My doctor told me “the loss of a baby is a loss, no matter how far along you were, it’s sad”. I was bitter, angry, sad and frustrated after mine. It really really sucks that most people have no clue what to say to a woman who’s going through the struggle you are experiencing now. I definitely feel FOR you. Don’t lose hope. Sending baby dust your way.

  7. Don’t loose hope Kelly It will happen. We struggled it took us 2 plus years, lots of pain & tears. I am physically not able to have any more children which pains me daily. You can grieve over your loss its only natural. I send you prayers & hugs for strength. I’d love to have you over when you come to CT please look us up! XOXO call anytime to chat i’m a phone call away!

  8. Sending lots of big hugs north to you my friend!!! You deserve as much time as you need to grieve. I think that the thing that people forget is even though the baby was never on the outside of you…it was still your child. You love it and grieve the loss of that child just the same! We made a rock to put in the garden for our baby…a way to remember we had a third child waiting for us with open arms when we get to heaven! I think sometimes people don’t know what to say so they say dumb things…I remember when a friend of ours told us they were pregnant and said…”Yeah we had troubles in the beginning too” and my only response was “NOPE NOT the same!” Hang in there Kelly!!! You are an awesome mom…B knows that! Praying!!!

  9. Oh Kelly. I don’t know what to say. My heart goes out to you and your family. Like Nancy said, you absolutely deserve to grieve. I know that doesn’t make anything easier. I’m glad you shared the Brene Brown video. I’ve shared it too because it really hit home for me. There’s such a distinction between empathy and sympathy. xox

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