On Love and Loss

This is a post I hoped I would never have to write, and yet here I am writing it. Some days I hope that I will wake up and it will be a bad dream, but I know that is not the truth. [FYI there will be some talk about women’s cycles here, if you think that is TMI, then you probably should stop reading]

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Nick and I have an agreement, when we are going out and there will be drinks I will take a pregnancy test, just in case. Well we were pleasantly surprised when I took one on August 10 and it came out positive. The more the news sat with me, the more excited I became. Of course there are always fears when you go from one child to two, but I was giddy.

We shared the news with our close family and friends, only a handful, and they were just as excited as we are.

I came up with wonderful ideas for this years Christmas card and how we would share the news with everyone who didn’t know yet. I started thinking of ways to organize the guest room/nursery, and how to reorganize the downstairs and B’s room.

Then just as quickly as the first trimester nausea came, it left. For a week I didn’t tell anyone, and then I finally told Nick. I came up with reasons, chasing a toddler is exhausting and I wouldn’t notice the nausea. I wasn’t teaching 8th graders that had a hard time with understanding personal hygiene. Every pregnancy is different. But I knew, I just knew something was off. I really think I just didn’t want to admit it. {I think this article really reinforced what I was thinking}

This past weekend, I participated in a Sprint Tri with a group from my gym. I was only doing the run portion, which turned into more of a walk. About a half mile in to the 3.5 miles, I started having a cramp on the front of my stomach. It was weird and freaked me out. I walked until the last .2 miles of the race. I felt like I let my relay team down, but I also had already started worrying about the cramp.

Saturday night, I felt fine. Sunday during the day I felt fine. Sunday evening I noticed some brown spotting in my underwear. Not enough to be concerned, pregnant woman can spot through their entire pregnancy and have a healthy baby.

Then it started turning bright red. At this point it was 9 pm, B was in bed, and I was freaking out. I called my dad who was an OBGYN before he went into anesthesiology. He tried to sugar coat it, but pretty much told me red was bad. I called the OB’s office emergency line and they told me to sit tight. My first appointment for this pregnancy with my OB was the following morning at 9 am.

I tried not to google, but I couldn’t stop myself. Nothing was looking good. Nick and I decided to prepare for the worst but hope for the best.

I went to my doctor appointment and told the nurse what was going on, she decided to have me go get an ultrasound done before I met with the doctor. This was my first vaginal ultrasound, and it was uncomfortable, but I watched the screen as the tech took pictures. I knew the moment the images popped up that the baby was too small for what was supposed to be 8 weeks. Then I watched her try to get a heartbeat, nothing. I couldn’t look anymore. I stared at the ceiling until she was finished, willing myself to not cry in front of a complete and total stranger. She told me the baby was measuring small and that as soon as the radiologist looked at the images and talked to my doctor then the doctor would call me.

The nurse told me they were unsure if the pregnancy was still viable. I needed to have blood work and schedule another ultrasound for the following week. After that was all set, I brought Nick and B home and went out.

I couldn’t stay in the house. I got coffee, I went grocery shopping. I walked around aimlessly at the store. I just needed to be alone, but with strangers, if that makes sense.

I was hoping I was wrong. I hadn’t had any cramps yet. The bleeding hadn’t gotten any worse. I was afraid to go to the bathroom, I was afraid to see what I wasn’t ready to admit.

Finally, I came home, and used the bathroom. I had started cramping, and there were clots, lots of them. I couldn’t move. I started crying. I knew I had lost the baby. {and I hate that word lost, like it reinforces that I did something wrong}

Nick called the doctor and we got the official news. Based on my blood work the pregnancy was not viable and I would have to let things run their course, and if they didn’t then I would need to schedule a d&c.

Nick was amazing, he called the majority of those who knew to tell them the bad news. He comforted me, he took care of B, he was the strength that I needed. I can’t even put into words, how much comfort he has brought to me in this time of need. He is/has been the most compassionate and caring person.

My heart and soul.

My heart and soul.

It’s hard for me to not blame myself, what could I have done differently so that this baby would survive? What if I stopped working out? What if I didn’t run on Saturday? What if I had a different diet? Maybe I shouldn’t have had any coffee…the what if’s and blame games are endless. A friend told me, as moms we fall in love with that pink second pink line. It’s not easier to have a miscarriage at 8 weeks just because it is an early miscarriage. Every time I go to the bathroom I am reminded of what is happening. Every time I have a cramp, I know that my body is taking the natural course, but it doesn’t make it any easier.

I’m incredibly sad, but I am trying to be strong for B. He needs a mom who is present with him, and I need to not let this take me over. I am blessed with B, but we do want more children, and I know that some do not have the option to have even one child, I am not taking him for granted, but I am allowing myself to grieve over baby #2.

I am also saying the words that have scared me for as long as I can remember. I had a miscarriage.

{As you can imagine, I am not feeling the blogging/social media thing, it has helped me to put all my thoughts down, and tell those that I just didn’t have the heart to call and tell the story all over again. For now, I am taking a break, save for the already written posts and scheduled tweets. Thank you for understanding.}

59 thoughts on “On Love and Loss

  1. Oh Kelly, I am so sorry to hear this! It’s our (women) greatest fear and I’m terribly sorry you have had to go through it. It sounds like you have found great support in Nick and that’s wonderful! Please know that the majority of miscarriages happen not because of the mother’s doing something wrong or inability but rather because there was something wrong with the pregnancy itself (be it a chromosomal disorder or something else along those lines). I know this may not help, but please don’t blame yourself. **HUGS**

  2. I’m so sorry about the baby Kelly. It’s normal to think what if, but don’t blame yourself. You’re in my thoughts as you grieve.

  3. Kelly you are a strong woman and this is a bump in the road. You will forever grieve for this child, but it will make you a stronger and better mom! B is lucky to have a mommy who loves him so much! I am sending you BIG hugs!!! XOXOX

  4. you are so, so brave for sharing your story kelly. i’m so happy that i’ll be with you this weekend to be a support in person. of course take as much time away from the online world as you need…and i’m not just saying that because i’m being selfish since i get to see you off-line this weekend! so glad you have such a compassionate husband who can always be there for you. nick, you da man! oh, and so are you B! it’ll happen for you guys when it’s time for B to get a sibling. please try not to look back and question “what if”. one of my first fears when i heard this news was that you would think the tri had anything to do with this. we cannot ever know what would have happened if we’d done anything differently. we cannot know what will happen in the future. we can only know the right now and the right now is that you are surrounded by the loving family and friends that will get you through this. i love you!

  5. Kelly, you know I had a miscarriage at the beginning of the year right? I swear our posts are almost identical. I know exactly what you are feeling and I hate that you had to go through this. But you aren’t alone. It’s going to feel like it some days. Text me, email me, tweet me, fb me. Some days you aren’t going to want to get out of bed. Luckily you have your big boy to motivate you. I’m going to share this on twitter and you will be amazed by the outpouring of support and the hundreds of women who have been through this and are pregnant or have babies. It’s just one of those things that happens. You did nothing wrong. There is nothing wrong with you. There are fb groups you can join for support too. You’ll get your #2!

  6. Oh Kelly!!! I wish I could wrap you up in a big hug!!! Reading your words breaks my heart! I remember that so vividly! Yes you did NOTHING wrong! One day you will wrap that little baby in your arms, but until then please feel free to reach out to me. I had a miscarriage before I had my baby and I remember it being a lonely thing other than with my family. I felt like I didn’t want to tell anyone and make them hurt too. Please know that I am here if you need to vent.

  7. Kelly, I’m so sorry you are going through this, and I’m praying for you to find some peace & comfort. Please know that you didn’t do ANYTHING wrong!! <3 So many hugs being sent your way! .

  8. Just Those Few Weeks–

    For just those few weeks
    I had you to myself.
    And that seems too short a time
    to be changed so profoundly.
    In those few weeks,
    I came to know you…
    and to love you.
    You came to trust me with your life.
    Oh what a life I had planned for you!
    Just those few weeks…
    when I lost you,
    i lost a lifetime of hopes,
    plans, dreams and aspirations.
    A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.
    Just those few weeks…
    It wasn’t enough time to convince others
    how special and important you were.
    How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
    and no one is mourning the passing.
    Just a mere few weeks..
    And no “normal” person would cry all night
    Over a tiny unfinished baby,
    or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.
    No one would, so why am I??
    You were just those few weeks, my little one.
    You darted in and out of my life too quickly.
    But it seems that’s all the time you needed
    to make my life richer
    and to give me a small glimpse of eternity.
    ~S. Erling

    My thoughts and prayers are with you Kelly… God will grant you another baby. I love ya and if i can help in anyway please call. thinking of you!

  9. So sorry to hear. I too, with my second baby had a miscarriage. After having one healthy baby we become somewhat naive that anything could go wrong. I went for my ultrasound and my world came crashing down. I went home to see my daughter and knew how much I had just lost. I never miscarried on my own and had to have a d&e which was just horrible.
    I went on to have 2 more healthy baby boys. I am a happy mom of 3 but in my heart, its always 4.
    May your heart heal a little bit more with each passing day.

    • Thank you for sharing your story, and sharing such wonderful words, I am very grateful. I am sorry you had to go through this as well.

  10. I am so, so sorry Kelly… we just lost our pregnancy last week as well and it was so much more painful than I anticipated- you really get attached to the idea of a baby, even at juts 7 or 8 weeks… thinking of you and praying for you as you grieve!

    • Thank you for your words, Laura, and for sharing your story. I am very sorry you have to go through this as well. Prayers for you and your family.

  11. Thank you for linking me to this — it’s tremendously helpful to read about the experience of someone else who’s already been through this. I’ve been playing the blame game with myself for several days now, and I just keep telling myself that there’s nothing I could have done to prevent this. Part of me still doesn’t believe that, but I suppose it’s all part of the grieving process. I’m looking forward to being happy again, and I’m hoping another viable pregnancy is in my future. I’m so sorry for your loss, and thank you for sharing your story!

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